How to ask for and accept feedback without burying under it

Let's say you are a manager. A person who manages something or someone and solves many issues with others. This is why you're always getting a lot of negativity in communications with others. Everything is wrong with you if you listen to people around you:

• You say not what's supposed to be said,

• Your facilitation skills are no good,

• You don't understand anyone correctly,

• You answer the wrong questions.

You're the worst person ever if you take that feedback literally.

Why is that? Because people rarely talk about good things and often — about what hurts. People happily dump their pain on you, confident that they'll help you become a better version of yourself and that you'll stop being one of their pains in return. As a result, you're swimming in a puddle of negativity. You can call it "corrective feedback," but to our brains and nerves, it's negativity, pain, suffering, and the feeling that no one loves us.

Unstable constructions (strategies, projects, a/b tests, people, after all...) are constantly wobbling around the manager. It can be pretty unclear whether he is doing some bullshit or not (because the whole world is always ready to report: bullshit). So to add firmness to constructions and clarify the issue, you, as the manager, have to ask these same people with bright faces for meaningful feedback tied to facts and concrete actions.

You make up your mind. You write to 10 people, "Give me feedback." What could possibly go wrong?

Everything.

You haven't said what you expect or exactly what your problem is, or what you want to solve with this feedback. Are you not sure that your current goal is the best one? Are you not having enough kind words in your life? What are you even asking for feedback on? On the work on your last project, on your work in general, on your behavior in personal communication? What caused your desire for feedback: the fact that colleagues suddenly started talking to you in a strange tone, and you're eager to find out why? Or a conversation with friends about not being appreciated at work?

Okay, sure, you don't have to share all that introductory information and root causes with everyone. But limit the topic. Unless you aim to collect the most disjointed feedback possible about everything at once and listen to what you're going to be told about it.

You can request feedback with such phrases as:

• "Can you give me feedback on my work in the last two months?"

• "Can I ask you to give me feedback in general on your impressions of me in a Start, Stop, Continue format: what to start doing, what to stop doing, and what to continue."

• "It's hard for me to gauge my progress right now, and I need an outside opinion. If you think there are some cool things to note in my work, please share your perception. Lack of response would also be an answer. That's totally okay!"

• "Six months ago, I moved into this position, and here (%link to description%) we spelled out the expectations for my future job and the tasks I have to do. Please share how well it all aligned with reality for you and whether it worked out in your opinion or not. The more specific and tied to particular moments in my work tasks or actions your comments will be, the better."

Always give the person a chance to think. You can announce your request for feedback in a meeting or in a random chat conversation. However, ensure you immediately indicate that you're willing to wait for feedback to form. Remember to establish the formats you're ready to accept: by text or meeting.

Can't you drop a "give feedback" into the chat room and see what happens? You can, of course. If you want to navigate the space as a whole, get a snapshot of the impressions of the people around you, hear what you do not expect to hear, and expand your horizons. But you have to understand that there will be no clear format or overall goal in responses to this. You can rain negativity on yourself or get empty praise like, "well, you're kind of good."

Feedback is received. Now what?

If you got angry, want to call people toxic, or think, "Ugh, why even ask? I will not go near this guy again" — you're doing something very wrong.

Why? Because there's only one thing you can do with feedback. Accept it.

Try to hear the other person's position, think about the reasons, and whether he's really evil or whether you think he is. What to do with opinions you have got to yourself is a different conversation. Receiving feedback does not oblige you to do anything based on it (unless it comes in the form of an order). So if things you hear don't fit your understanding of the situation and seem nonsense, let it go. The author is not necessarily crazy. Just for today, you do not fully understand the idea. Maybe later you will hear more of the same, and the delirium will become at least intriguing and, at most, an occasion to think. On the contrary, someone wise may convince you that this opinion is not worthy of consideration.

Either way, keep calm the moment you receive feedback. You asked the person to speak out, and they spoke. They complied with your request as they received it and perceived it. You only have to thank them for completing the request, even if you don't like what they said. No one said you should follow their opinion and change something just because of them. That's how it is.