How to protect your nerves from attacks in communications

The other day we were discussing what to do if you, your product, or your team are attacked in the public arena within the company with statements along the lines of "Why are you needed at all? Let's fire you all".

The collective mind gathered every piece of advice imaginable. There were options to stop the discussion immediately and develop the idea one-on-one. Another option was to agree and ask, "Okay, if we're making this decision, are you willing to take responsibility for the consequences?"

I want to share the methods that I have advised in this situation and that I use myself. They're primarily about preparing for potential attacks. Still, there are also a couple of points to consider if the attacks have already happened.

  • Prepare for public discussions as if your skin depends on it. Ask yourself all the tough questions, prepare answers to the most unpleasant ones, and stock up on counterarguments for all occasions. If you may be arguing with a group of people, first you can arrange to try your ideas on one of them. All this preparation is time-consuming, but the truth is it helps to stay calm and not get into ugly situations.

  • Some of our panelists advised turning passive aggression into active aggression. I disagree. Let's say you get the real message out of the speaker: "I don't see what use you are. You're wasting the company's money. It would be better to give this resource to another team". This is all happening in public discussion as well. It's all about emotion. The chance that from this point on, your public dialogue will be constructive and everyone will keep their calm reasoning is critically low. It's best not to play with aggression in public.

  • It doesn't matter if you succeeded in stopping the public conversation or if the holy war happened. Even after that, it is helpful to give honest feedback to your attacked opponent when you have personally cooled down. For example, put it this way: "When you said we should be fired, I felt my years of service might not mean anything at this company. I don't feel I deserve to be treated that way, and I'm not sure that's the effect you meant to have." This will help you both let the situation go and convey at least part of why they shouldn't act this way. And it will be easier to communicate with this person when the personal offense is no longer a secret and has been spoken for.

  • It would be best to remember that an attack on your work, product, or team is not an attack on you. And it may not be an attack on what it seems to be at all. Maybe the author got nervous because of something else, or your team did something to them without noticing it. There are millions of emotional and rational reasons for such behavior. Most of them are not even about you. Excellent advice, you may say, but what to do when you already have 1 nerve cell left and are already in this mess? You will take it personally in that state. I've been in many of these states and love to take things personally, so I have my answer. Again, it's about preparing for these public discussions where you don't know when you'll be asked a challenging question. You have to force yourself to rest before such a meeting. Reschedule tasks, go for a walk, or do some other sport. Play with your pet, play video games, take a bath, whatever it takes to get some rest. Then right before the meeting, imagine you're a cat in the sunshine. Don't laugh. I didn't come up with this. I was literally taught this at university. It was one of the most valuable lessons. So, imagine that you are a cat lying in the sunlight. With a contented face, leisurely stretching, squinting. Imagine someone saying to a cat like that, "You and your whole team should be fired." What would such a cat say? Something like, "Interesting idea. I'll think about it later." And yawn. The cat wouldn't get involved in the conflict, wouldn't fall for the aggression, and wouldn't waste its invaluable nerve cells unnecessarily. And then it would have been much calmer to think about the idea and what was behind it, and probably would have discussed it with the author without pent-up resentment. Be a cat in the sunshine!